150 Best Instagram Captions for Astrologers

Your captions aren’t education. She has had many years of free astrology education off Instagram and it has left her more confused, not less.

She knows her rising sign. She knows Saturn is doing something to somebody. She follows 14 astrology accounts and has a vague, uneasy sense that her 12th house is a problem. What she does not know is what happens in an actual reading, how long one takes, what it costs, or where on earth to find her birth time.

Which is the entire gap. Not belief, not interest, not knowledge. Logistics.

Below are 150 Instagram captions you should be posting.

(Take them. Add your own spin.)

How to Write an Astrology Caption

You have something no other business on this website has: a content calendar written 12 months in advance by the solar system, and most astrologers ignore it completely.

So try doing this next time:

The ephemeris test. Before you write anything, check what the sky is doing that week and whether you are posting into a search that already exists. Retrograde stations, eclipses, ingresses, the full moon: on those days thousands of people type the same 3 words into Instagram and land on whoever posted first. Your forecast for the 14th is worth 10 times more on the 12th than on the 20th. Open the ephemeris, put 12 dates in your calendar, and write to them.

The receipts test. Once a month, go back to a forecast you made and say publicly what actually happened. “In January I said this eclipse would land on anybody with planets at 15 degrees fixed. Here’s what 4 clients reported and here’s where I was wrong.” Predictions are cheap and unverifiable, and an astrologer willing to mark her own homework in public is doing something no rival account will ever bother with.

Lastly, post about birth times. Not once, regularly. Where to find one, what to do if your mother says “sometime before lunch”, how to order a long-form birth certificate, what you can still read without one. Half the people who want to book you are stuck at that exact step and are too embarrassed to ask.

Natal Chart Captions

• A client found her birth time on a hospital wristband her mother kept for 38 years.
• 2 hours on 1 chart, after 3 years of apps and no actual explanation.
• She’d been calling herself a Leo. Her rising is Capricorn and it showed.
• 10 planets, 12 houses, and about 40 minutes spent on 1 of them.
• Her chart explained a decision she made in 2009 and she went completely quiet.
• Nobody had ever mentioned her Chiron to her before.
• She booked because her sister had a reading and wouldn’t stop talking about it.
• Born at 4:12am. The ascendant changed sign at 4:15.
• She arrived certain she knew her chart. We spent an hour on what she’d missed.
• 3 charts this week with the same stellium. Strange fortnight.
• The same 2 questions since 2019. We answered both on Tuesday.
• Her mother remembered “just before lunch”. We worked with a 90-minute window.
• Booked a reading as an 18th birthday present. Best idea I’ve heard all year.
• She wrote 6 pages of notes and sent me a photograph of them.
• She’ll have the recording before bedtime and play it again in March.

Transit Captions

• Saturn changes sign on the 14th. Here’s who notices first.
• 3 clients this week are in the same Saturn return and all 3 are shattered.
• Full moon at 22 degrees on Thursday. Check your chart for anything nearby.
• Mercury stations on the 9th. Nothing is being ruined. Things are being re-read.
• Eclipse season starts in 11 days and my diary is already full.
• Planets at 15 degrees fixed? This month is doing something to you.
• Jupiter is back where it was when you were 12. Remember that year?
• That square has generated 11 messages since Monday.
• This one lasts 6 weeks, not 6 days. Pace yourself.
• Venus retrograde starts Friday. Do not cut your own fringe.
• I’ve been watching this since January. It lands on the 3rd.
• The last time this happened was 2003. What were you doing?
• Nothing up there forces anything. It changes the weather, that’s all.
• 9 forecast readings booked this week. The sky is busy.
• Write down what happens this fortnight. You’ll want it later.

Relational Captions

• 2 charts, 1 table, and 90 minutes of somebody finally understanding her mother.
• She wanted a compatibility percentage. She got something considerably more useful.
• Read a synastry chart for a couple in their 60s. Married 41 years.
• She keeps picking the same chart shape. That’s a pattern, not bad luck.
• Read for a mother and daughter together. Both cried. Both rebooked.
• 3 couples in a fortnight, all stuck on the same 2 planets.
• His chart does not excuse it, and I said so during the reading.
• She brought her ex’s chart. We looked at hers instead.
• Composite charts for business partners. Genuinely useful, hardly ever booked.
• A woman asked whether to leave. I don’t answer that. We looked at why she’s asking.
• Read for 3 generations of the same family in 1 session.
• 4 years of blaming his sun sign. It was never his sun sign.
• 2 people, 2 charts, 1 conversation they’d been avoiding since spring.
• I read for friendships too. The most useful one nobody thinks to book.
• The chart shows the dynamic. What you do about it stays with you.

Psychological Captions

• 6 years of therapy and the chart still told her something new.
• Not a prediction. A description of the pattern she’s been living inside.
• She recognized her father in her own 10th house.
• The reading explained the same argument she’s had since 2011.
• Nothing in this chart is a verdict on anybody.
• She asked if she could change it. The chart no, the pattern yes.
• 90 minutes, and she left with 1 sentence she keeps repeating back to me.
• 30 minutes on her 12th house, which is where she puts things she’d rather not.
• The bit of her chart she’d been dreading is the bit she’s proud of now.
• She’d called it a flaw for 20 years. It’s a description, not a fault.
• Read for somebody 4 weeks into an enormous change. Timing was kind.
• The chart doesn’t fix anything. It stops you arguing with yourself.
• A client said it was cheaper than another year of wondering.
• She wanted permission. The chart doesn’t give permission. I did.
• Insight first. Everything else in this practice is decoration.

Teaching Captions

• 8 students, 6 weeks, and 4 had never opened a chart in their lives.
• Course starts on the 6th. 3 places left.
• 4 former students now read for other people. That was the aim.
• A student read her first full chart in week 5 and I was more excited than she was.
• The whole of week 1 goes on the ascendant.
• Week 1 assumes you know nothing. Most students don’t, and that’s fine.
• Recordings go out weekly so nobody falls behind.
• 40 students so far and 3 of them now charge for readings.
• Students bring their own charts to week 1 and we work from those.
• Small groups, because 8 people can ask questions and 80 cannot.
• Week 4 is aspects and everybody panics. It passes by week 5.
• A student emailed 6 months later to say she still uses it weekly.
• I teach it the way I wish somebody had taught me in 2011.
• Beginners course runs twice a year. That’s the lot.
• Bring your birth time, and we’ll work round it if you haven’t got one.

Rational Captions

• No health predictions. I say that in the first 5 minutes of every reading.
• Death dates are not something I will ever calculate for anybody.
• Prices are on the page. 1 service, 1 price, nothing hidden.
• A man booked to prove it was nonsense. He rebooked in April.
• A placement is a starting position, not a life sentence.
• Said no to somebody in May. She needed a different sort of help.
• There are no curses in this practice and nothing whatsoever to remove.
• Some questions belong to a GP and I’ll say so within 2 minutes.
• She asked whether it’s real. I told her what I actually think.
• 1 reading is usually enough. I’ll tell you when you don’t need another.
• What I don’t do is listed above what I do. On purpose.
• No pregnancy predictions. Hard line, and it isn’t moving.
• This describes the weather. It does not issue instructions.
• She knew already. The chart handed her the words for it.
• The limits get explained first. The useful part comes after.

Reading Day Captions

• Printed her chart at 8 and stared at it until 10.
• 3 readings today and I’ll be completely useless by 4.
• She talked for the first 15 minutes and I let her.
• Sent the recording at 6. She’d listened to it twice by 8.
• A client cried in minute 12. We carried on when she was ready.
• She said the 90 minutes felt like about 20.
• She had 1 question and it took the entire session.
• The follow-up email takes me 40 minutes and it’s included.
• 2 hours reading the chart before she ever arrives.
• She’d waited 3 years to book and said she wished she hadn’t.
• 4 readings this week and 4 completely different lives.
• The bit she remembers is never the bit I expected.
• She rebooked for her Saturn return before she logged off.
• Notes typed and sent within 48 hours. Always have been.
• Nobody has yet asked me for their money back.

Behind the Scenes Captions

• 6 charts to prep and it’s only Tuesday.
• The ephemeris stays open on the second screen all day.
• 14 years in and there’s a stack of unread books beside the bed.
• Redesigned the intake form and it is still not right.
• 2 hours of preparation for a 90-minute reading. Standard.
• Learning traditional technique properly and discovering what I’d missed.
• Answered the same birth time question 9 times this week.
• Invoices, bookkeeping, and a tax return I am actively avoiding.
• The first 3 weeks of the year are always empty. It passes.
• 6 charts on the dining table and nowhere left to eat.
• Swapped readings with a colleague. Everybody needs checking occasionally.
• Did my own transits and then made the exact mistake anyway.
• Recorded a course module and stopped 11 times.
• Half this job is working out what 7pm means in Auckland.
• The calm hour you see cost me a whole morning first.

Booking Captions

• 2 evening slots left before the 30th.
• Bring your birth time. Birth certificate, or ask whoever was in the room.
• A full reading runs 90 minutes and you keep the recording.
• The diary opens on the 1st of every month at 9am.
• Missing your birth time? There’s a version of this that works without it.
• Put your name down. It’s free and the list moves every month.
• Prefer it in writing? There’s a 12-page version and no camera.
• The diary is full until autumn. Genuinely sorry about that.
• Gift vouchers exist. Bought almost entirely by sisters.
• Your first one includes 15 minutes of me asking the questions.
• I hold back 2 lower-cost slots a month. Ask, no explanation needed.
• Name, birth details, 1 question. That is the entire form.
• Solar return readings booked around your birthday.
• Message me the question you think is too stupid to ask.
• Most people follow for a year first, then say they left it too long.

Funny Captions

• Mercury is retrograde. Your phone is broken because it’s 4 years old.
• 1 in 12 of you is a Scorpio. It feels like 1 in 3.
• Stop running his chart at 1am. Nothing new has happened to it.
• Saturn stays exactly where it is. I have checked repeatedly.
• Somebody asked whether she could change her rising sign. Bless her.
• “What’s your sign” is 1 twelfth of the question, asked badly.
• I don’t know whether he’ll text. Neither does Venus.
• Ring your mum. She remembers more than she thinks she does.
• The app is a fortune cookie with wifi.
• Nobody’s chart is bad. Some of them are just busy.
• I have been asked to find a lost cat. Twice.
• Saturn is not out to get you. Saturn does not know who you are.
• My own chart is an absolute state and I’ve made peace with it.
• Everybody who panicked about last month’s transit is still standing.
• Nobody leaves here with a prophecy. Most leave with a list.

Your business name is what she types into the search bar. Your slogan explains why this costs money when the internet is full of information. This is the bit that finally tells her where to find her birth time, which is the least mystical and most useful thing you will post all year.

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